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I know, I know. International women’s day was in march… Two months ago. But I don’t believe in reserving one specific topid or discussion to a time frame. So, here we are. The gender question in the Aupair world. For some it might be obvious and for others it might be possible to make their heads cock and think for two minutes. 

Please, take your favorite beverage and sit back for a topic which can be quite nerve wrecking and is definitely not a scientific approach. This is just me rambling about a revelation, which shouldn’t have been this big of a shock to anyone. Enjoy! 

When I grew up, I was surrounded by movies, where women took care of the children. Be it the mothers themselves or the help, who was usually female, educating and raising the young offsprings. A few days ago, I rewatched an old time feel-good movie "The nanny diaries". A story in many ways similar to what I could relate to. A young, ambitious woman, who had been good at what she had done inside her academic circle. However, outside, struggling to find her own identity. Then being given the opportunity to be the nanny for a rich upper-class family in Manhattan. What first sounded like a fairytale, evolved into a hit by reality, teaching everyone as beautiful as the world of caretaking looked like, around every corner waited another blow by the society questioning the job and the nanny, herself, struggling with the expectations of an absent family system and her own pride. 

But back when I had watched this movie for the first time, I had barely questioned it. Even when I had been younger, 18, and had decided to become an Aupair for a year, before I had finally made a decision about my future. I didn't think at the time about the hidden problems I would be encountering. 

Believing that what happened in movies was over exaggerated and could never come close to how nannies and Aupairs worked in the real life. 

I soon would be shown my own wishful thinking and how blatantly innocent or daft I must have been. 

Funnily, the line of being white, college degree and with no juvie record, had not made me stumble, as it had a few days ago, when I nodded along and said to myself: Yes. That's exactly how I was treated too. 

I was treated better by agencies and families, because I was white, European, had a high school degree, learned different languages and I was a WOMAN. Latter, never concerned myself too much about the job, but everyone else put huge emphasis on gender. 

When I went through family ads on the internet, searched through forums about family announcements before agencies had begun to contact me, usually the most preferences were on country of origin and age. But sometimes I would be reading in the pre-written and copy-pasted messages: We wish for a big sister to come. Hope to have a big sister living with us. 

The gender preference was obvious. The one meant for the job was supposed to be a woman. Even when they had never marked a box for it; but their written letters were enough. And I had skipped over the part, because I was a woman. So yay! Perfect for me! 100% of all job ads were directed at me. But now, I am reentering the Aupair world. I am skimming through my known websites and reading the requests and info material of agencies and families with more care. 

Out of my research crystallizes a picture, which makes me wonder if the 21st century, and the 2023 is truly that advanced or if stigmata and old habits have clung too tightly into the base of the world's society. 

Where does the prejudice come from? Is it a historical problem, deeply rooted in societies? 

I am trying to find the answer by asking from experiences of my fellow Aupair-friends and colleagues. Hoping that just because I am searching and remembering moments, when clearly I had been preferred because of my gender and treated better, my friends had a different experience. And I can find the gray in the all black and white picture that has begun to paint in the last couple of days. 

As I was revisiting my questionnaire and rekindling my connections, I surprised my friends with the questions about how they felt being treated during their stay. But not just in their job role, but respectively in their gender. (For the purpose of this article, I have to mention that all of the included people mentioned they defined themselves as male or female. No exclusion of any orientation is done on purpose!) 

From the few male Aupairs I talked with, their viewpoints were mostly neutral, but I quickly saw a few differences from the experiences of my female friends. And of course I noticed too that there had been a majority in the included agencies lead by women and had hired more female Aupairs than men. The number showed up larger after having revisited statements. 

The male Aupairs didn’t seem to have had a lot of troubles finding a family, but they all said too that there had been mostly only one interview and they had gotten along with their guest family. But it became clear, after they had shown me their familie’s information that the parents had asked for male helpers. The reasoning behind the demand had been that they believed that with a man working with their child, the man would have more authority and handle tricky situations better. 

When it came down to the simple terms of the working contract itself I spotted that on two documents was no mention of a curfew, as it had been on every other contract of other women. I asked my friend UKRAIN he told me that his family said they didn’t worry about him being out all night and he had even made the stipulation with his guest family that he could sleep outside of the home, whenever he wanted to. Nothing of this freedom came close to what any over female Aupair had told me. 

The topic about safety isn’t something to overlook. Because this matter will come up more often in other articles in this series. Hence the comment of UKRAIN I asked other friends surprised over their experience, and all of the other men told me something similar. The freedom of going and staying out was cut much looser than with the argument of not being afraid something “bad” could happen to them. All while myself and E. etc. said their guest parents had denied them sleeping outside on any day, which wasn’t their free day because of concerns. And that a curfew was necessary since girls shouldn’t be out alone at night. Even when “alone” entailed being with friends. 

Revisiting my memory after this realization surprised me with a few more instances or just comments I remembered, when I had felt that gender played a big role and had even begun to compromise daily life. 

From stories of the female Aupairs having more workload and hours in total, as in comparison to the counterpart, who only worked their required and contractional hours. (Excluded in this statement is the instance of F., who had done overtime, but out of his own volition.) To mentions of preferal treatment in the agency itself. I had barely noticed how much the cultural aspect of decades’ and centurie’s preference of boys over girls had ingrained itself in the smallest of actions. Similar to how in “The Nanny Diaries” the main character wasn’t expected to have a social life or could be revoked of their free time to give the parent more space from their 

child/children, would Aupairs explain to me how they were cooped up inside the house or told to keep working overtime, when it had been never agreed to in the first place. 

But contractual disagreements or violations will be looked into more, when I will talk about the agencies themselves. 

The demands asked from every Aupair still stayed the same, with no obvious difference of gender. Be good with the kids, teach the demanded language and make obvious improvements over a short amount of time. With the mindset of achieving results, there was barely any diverging experience from any of the Aupair’s stories. But in hencesight of failure the men were let off easier than women. If an Aupair didn’t manage to achieve the goal demanded by the parents there were two reactions: Scolding or a sit-down. 

A sit-down includes the agency or the person in charge of the Aupair, the host family and the Aupair itself. In this talk new goals will be established or the idea of trying someone else will be voiced. 

A scolding is just the small slap on the finger and a harsh reminder not to slack off. 

None of these two reactions can be painted black or white. Male and female Aupairs equally have said they didn’t notice if one or the other was preferred for each gender. 

However, the big surprise came when it was the other way around. When the child was the one making troubles the parents would tell M., R. and F. that it was fine to use any means necessary for reprimanding unruly behavior. While E., T., A. all agreed that in their host families they would have never been allowed to show any physical/bodily reaction if their host kids were rude, etc. This behavior of saying that men were okay for correcting bad behavior and that women should overlook hitting and screaming, because “children were children” painted a more defined picture of the mindset from these host families. But nothing can be said for exceptions or the entirety of China or all Aupairs. 

So there was the experience of myself and other people, compared to the life of a fictional character from a movie. All laid out before me, and I began to understand a puzzle made off prejudice, historical background and a deep rooted gender discussion, which can never be cleared up by one small article. More over, I won an understanding for a discrapency, which I barely had noticed in the past But even when it isnn’t said out loud, gender discrimination happens all the time. It can be in every direction. Against anyone. 

Be it men not wanted as much in the Aupair business as women, or the fact that men are treated looser than female Aupairs. Or just the instance of people expecting the Nanny, the elementary teacher and the Aupair to be female. 

It was a hurtful realization for both sides. 

And even my own friends looked back on their experiences, noticed the difference. A subtle difference, which we all took lightly, because we were all used to it too. We were part of the system. We all had accepted basic rules and roles given to us. 

There wasn’t a big gong sounding in the background for this newfound comprehension, but it was an eye opener for myself on how I wanted to step back into the Aupair business. I had learned over the course of writing this piece that there had to be more open conversations between Aupairs, a general sitdown with agencies and using the position given as an Aupair to be able to talk with the families and their kids eye to eye. Use the chance to teach the next generation to be better. To be more aware over subtle discrimination, which didn’t seem a lot at first, but in hindsight it was a high barrier between men and women, and that, just, in a small profession, which most people don’t think of as important as having an office job. 

This article isn't meant for a big revelation. The topic of sexism and discrimination through Ancient gender roles has been ongoing and has been discussed in almost every form. For me, writing these lines has been useful look at small moments, when I subconsciously knew something had been wrong, but only now I understood what had irked me back then. And it was never the big actions, nothing too obvious. Just some rules, an extra line in a contract. Subtle cracks drawn between the Aupairs. 

Concluding can be said that from my own experience and the stories of the interviewed friends that some haven’t noticed a preferential treatment, but in retrospect and comparison of experiences they would agree that there are underlying and not always obvious differentiations between gender. It isn’t all bad, but it can also make someone feel frustrated. As angry as Annie had felt by the end of the movie and finally screamed into the faces of the mothers, making her thoughts known about the injustice she had experienced. And wanted to remind everyone about the truth: Being a nanny isn’t easy, becoming an Aupair makes you question your choices a lot, and it should never be forgotten that no job makes you less human. 

And that should be remembered at the end of this topic. Humans are faulty. There are always things to be learned and the past should be revised and studied. And this article series has been in 

that way helpful to be a constant reminder and eye-opener of my own mistakes and former understanding, which I don’t have anymore after 6 years following of having worked in China. 

Because however shiny or glamorous something looks from the outside, there are cobwebs and dust on the inside. Something I will be looking into the next article. 

Because what are these agencies I am always talking about? Are there differences or is every company the same? 

So, I hope your beverage is now empty and your interest for the next issue has been irked!