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There are many first in life. And nothing was different when I was an Aupair. So, get the boiler on, grab a good spot and have fun reading different voices about their first families.

Right from the beginning I can say that my first family was sweet. I cannot lie. I compare it to other Aupair’s stories, and I can only thank them over and over again, for having been welcomed so warmly to China. And to the start of my gap year.

It was a typical small Chinese family, hence the one child-policy, which lasted till 2016, most of the later mentioned families will only have one kid or the ones, with a richer background paying more fees for having more kids. So, it was just one mother, let’s call her Kim, the father Olaf and of course my child – a habit I accumulated over months and kept till now, calling the host kids in short form “my kids” – Jenny. At that time, she was 13 years old.

Just about entering puberty. And also the reason why a lot of people looked at me with raised eyebrows. Because 13?!

She didn’t need help in the ways of a younger child. She could entertain herself, already had a base in English, and wasn’t in dire need of an Aupair, which also made me realize later on: Why did the family actually get me?

But what Jenny wanted to have was a playmate or a close confidante to hang out with, to tell secrets to, and live out her suppressed needs with.

As an explanation, Chinese children spend a lot of time in school. From the young age of 4 years, being enrolled in preschool classes. A different world from what I was used to from my own education and the system of Germany. Studying is a main part of my kids' childhood. Knowledge is key, and extracurricular activities are a must. If the kid doesn’t play at least one instrument, then what makes the child different from all the other millions in the big country?

Jenny for example could play the flute, and piano and trained hard to sing. We often would talk about music and had long conversations about her future dream. Which wasn’t the stereotypical way of becoming a doctor or lawyer. No, she wanted to continue with her music career, and study in Germany, and be a professional musician. She had so many dreams!

But that also brought problems with it. Each of my families, so also my first, they concentrated fully on making their kids be good or even excellent in academics, art, music, etc. Meaning that Jenny didn’t train, like I had when I was in my music major in high school for two hours a week, no, she spent every day for at least 3 hours in front of her music sheets and practiced. Had a lot of classes and wanted to refine her English at the same time and be even more extraordinary at learning German from me.

The mother was the big engine behind pushing her daughter forward and I am pretty sure she was also behind getting me as an Aupair for her daughter. But with her already full schedule was another thing trying to fit into her timetable.

However, spending time with me meant also freedom, because I didn’t like stressing her out more, and sometimes when her family wasn’t close by, we didn’t study, as her mother had intended for us to do, but rather was I encouraging her to have fun. Live out the small memories she wanted to make in her teenage years.

Just we had to be secretive about those times. Because her mother, like any ambitious parent, didn’t want to see her daughter slacking off. Whenever we had the chance together, outside of the gaze of the mother, I would play little games with Jenny, try out make-up (her current obsession), or take her for walks. "Walks" was the code word for going to the other side of the park, to the Korean store[1], and buying snacks. And since Olaf didn’t like South Korea at the time, we would use many nicknames for products or even talking about the other country.

Those secrets between Jenny and me were our bond. And for my own personal interest, I tried my best to have a tight friendship with my kid and later, with my other kids too. It wasn't always easy, because of the age difference, being a teenager myself, and the different mindsets of the host families.

To compare my understanding and relationship with my first host family and child, I will be adding the experience of other Aupairs. Some of them had similar stories; others shared their struggles being away from their home countries and taking care of other children at a young age.

Tony was 18 when she went to Shanghai for her one-year program. She interviewed with her family once. It was a long interview, but she mentioned that she had felt a good connection with her host mother and decided back then on her gut feeling to say “yes” to the family. Because at the time, her agency had told her that she needed to give a definite “no“ if Tony wanted to have another interview with a different family. Equally, understanding of the agency's position, but looking back now, Tony would have wished she had more options. The problem with comparison, or the lack of it, has many other Aupairs mentioned to me too.

And should be a definite warning to future Expats or Aupairs: If you want to go abroad, do a lot of research first on the agencies or companies because comparison can help with understanding that a situation of an agency can be good or bad when seeing the stance of another institution.

However, every one of the Aupairs was young or had no prior experience with such programs. So, barely any of them told me that they had interviews with other companies before.

Tony introduced me to her family, who had one girl, like most of mine, too. And she said that out of her perspective, the girl was spoiled by her parents. Which was a tendency in the only-child-households, after my comparison. Tony had noticed the devotion of the parents and at the same time, the lack of free time of the child herself. Explaining that she had known Chinese kids had tighter schedules and learned more during the day than in comparison with Europe or Germany. But Tony found the time to be there for the child. Usually, they would hang out, and talk a lot and Tony would help with homework assignments. Be it pronunciation or vocabulary.

What Tony mentioned in the end, was that during her stay, the two of them would spend most of the time available, inside of the house or the belonging garden. There were rarely chances to have time for outdoor activities.

One of my friends Lizzy, who had stayed in Taizhou for 2 months, back in 2016, at the age of 21, had something else to say, about her experience with her first family. Even though her agency had been situated in Shenzhen too, her host family was living in Taizhou. A city in the Jiangsu province, 1.500 km away from Shenzhen and at the northern side of the Yangtze. Lizzy realized at her arrival that Taizhou was a large city, but wasn’t as developed as Shenzhen, back in 2016, and she was almost the only foreigner, noticeably, living there.

Lizzy’s first host child was quite young, and she would usually help with reading stories, and dancing or imitating animals. She enjoyed her time with the child a lot, but the situation with the family and surroundings made it a difficult time for Lizzy. Her English wasn’t the best, and she barely spoke any Chinese. Communicating with the family was mostly pushed onto the father. Similar were all the decisions in the family placed on the man, so, Lizzy didn’t feel entirely comfortable. Resulting in Lizzy later moving to Shenzhen and living with a different family.

My third friend Emilia lived in Shenzhen with me and stayed in the border city for 3 years. From the year 2017-2019, she stayed with a family, that had 2 kids, both girls.

The family she had found over a small agency, who had been given her similar benefits like mine or my other friends’. Out of her stories, she shared that she thought the two girls were quite spoiled. But she had fond memories of the time she spent with the girls. They liked to read books together or create their own stories and draw their own books, too. But besides the good time she had with her host kids, she opened up about the difference of her experience compared to mine.

Emilia told me that she never traveled with her host family. They never took her with them on trips abroad or far away. In comparison, I had traveled during my 11 months in China, I had gone on 8 trips.

Living in another family was of course a bit strange for Emilia. She told me that she felt a bit uncomfortable at first because it wasn't like home, even when everyone told her that she should act like this family was like a second one to her. And the other struggle was that Emilia couldn't adapt quickly to her new way of life. She even added that most of the time she felt like an outsider, who was underlying the decisions of the family. Sounding to me less like a harmonious stay, and more like the challenging start of a 20-year-old, who decided to move abroad and was thrust into a completely different culture. For her the shock about the discipline displayed in her family, or the lack of it, was huge. Often Emilia had been confronted in her host family with the missing support of the family to herself, and the blind trust in the kids. And Emilia noticed how much her person and position as an Aupair and host sister lacked authority.

A recurring problem my other friend Elice mentioned to me many times too.

Elice had come to China, Shenzhen, at 29 and stayed with her host family for almost 4 years. The employment was on an on and off - basis. The preliminary time was during 2017 and 2018, while I was in Shenzhen too. Because we were in the same agency, her recruitment and interviewing process was relatively similar to mine. Only that she did everything, from the preparations and the decision to come to China in just 1 month. While I had been planning my gap year for a bit over 7 months.

Elice stayed with a family with two host children. Her kids were a girl and a boy. I will call them Spiderboy (he was obsessed at the time with the comic book character) and Baby (Elice always called her that). Spiderboy was 7 years old, while Baby was in kindergarten, still.

Her stories about her family and her experience are colored with her love for the kids, but the internal power struggle between the foreign Aupair and the parents.

Elice spent a lot of time picking up the boy from school and helping him with his homework, while she was giving almost all of her time to be around Baby. Since the girl was quite young, she needed a lot of attention and love. They would be playing with dolls, drawing, and reading. Because the parents wanted their two kids to grow up with as many languages as possible, Elice was ordered to teach the two children English and Spanish.  

However, the host family was not always too kind to Elice. During her 2 years in Shenzhen, the family took Elice on a handful of trips to the U.S. (Boston, Washington, DC, etc.). During all of these trips Elice barely had any time to herself. Even being told to help out with the house duties. Duties, which were in the contract not part of any of my agency’s Aupairs jobs. But Elice was underlying the authority of the host mother, while the father didn’t care too much about Elice’s role.

While the time with the host kids was sweet and fulfilling, Elice struggled with keeping her stance and clear outlined job description.

The overtime, underpayment, and additional household duties became an obvious problem, when I interviewed multiple Aupairs.

Changing families because of struggle was something my friend from Austria, Crissy, was familiar with too. Crissy came to Shenzhen at the age of 18, and stayed from 2017-2018 with my agency, and afterwards worked privately until 2019, as an Expat and Freelancer.

Crissy’s first family had a 5-year-old boy, and an older sister studying abroad in the UK. But Crissy noticed that after only 1 interview, and the agency declaring that she would fit in with the family that there weren’t any more interviews necessary with other families. I have to agree that having a pool to choose from makes the future decision of a host family easier and can show the differences between communication and the children, themselves, upfront. But doing the work of an Aupair for the first time, many mistakes will be made and at 18, not everyone dares to speak up.

In her first host family, Crissy experienced the young boy being treated like an object of prestige. The boy wasn’t allowed to walk around alone. Crissy had to hold his hand everywhere they went and like many young children, he was visiting school during the day and till late at night, when Crissy was giving him extra language classes in English and German. On the weekends the boy visited extra classes. And everyone was constantly watching over Crissy’s teaching style and expecting fast results. Crissy mentioned that the host father was especially keen on seeing his son improve rapidly. She noticed how close the boy was with the help. The elderly woman helped the boy dress, wash and feed him.

However, in comparison, Crissy would share that in her second host family, which she had applied for after a few months of struggling with her first family, the living style and overall experience were completely different. Crissy thought that this family was a bit “westernized”, and they gave their 8-year-old daughter more free time. Even with the parent’s behavior around the daughter, Crissy would note that both tried to be home early to spend time with their kid. While in the former family, the host mother and father stayed away quite long and left Crissy and the house helper with most of the education and work responsibilities.

While staying with the 8-year-old girl, Flower, Crissy would play games, have tea ceremonies, and read books together. Even with problems arising the style of the parents was to explain calmly the reason to do something or not do it.

But the previously mentioned lack of authority and hold on the children in Chinese host families, did not escape Crissy’s notice either. She talked in detail about the missing respect between the young children and their parents, or even other people (like the Aupair). Instead of entirely diminishing the behavior of the children, would Crissy believe that it was sometimes the only chance of attracting their parent’s attention. And in a childhood where leisure time was rare, and every activity was meant to be done to perfection or for a bullet point on their future CV, a frizzy behavior wasn’t unexpected.

Much can be said about young teenagers moving across the world and living with strangers and their stories are detailed. Too large to talk about everything and too few page numbers to fit them all into 1 article and topic.

While many of my friends and interviewed Aupairs talked about their positive and negative experiences in their families they were all linked by one common part. Being Aupairs and what all wanted to achieve with our time living abroad.

But what if the system behind Aupairs' alone is already flawed? Is culture difference the origin behind a troubled host family relationship or can there be something deeper, rooted in the gender discrimination?

Brew another tea and wait for the next topic!